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Will he really change for us?
Dating someone new can be fun, exciting, and adventurous, despite the inevitable ups and downs. It is when the level of excitement tapers off and finally meets complacency when we truly get to observe his habits, attitudes, opinions, and beliefs. Most of the time, there is something that we want to change about him; whether it is his hairstyle, the way he eats spinach, the way he drives the car, the way he blows his nose, or the way he ties his shoes.
Men will not change unless the change is important to them. If he does change for the sake of someone else, it is only temporary. Remember, he will always revert back to old habits if he doesn’t want to change them permanently.
I have a close female friend that has been dating this guy for four years. He has a degree in engineering and works as a pizza delivery man (He is 29 years old), which is fine when he can pay his own way, but he still lives with his father (his father pays all the bills), making no effort to better his life. However, she works in accounting and is financially stable.
She always takes him to dinner, takes him to see Broadway shows, and pays for their hotel rooms whenever they go away for the weekend. She is hardly happy.
I often hear her say, “Krissy, I love Dan, but he doesn’t want to do anything. He never has any money. He doesn’t want to get a good job. He never even wants to go anywhere, when I offer to take him out. What should I do? How can I change him?” My response was “Rita, you can’t someone unless they truly want to change. I think that you should talk to him calmly over dinner and tell him about your frustrations. Tell him that his lack of effort is really hurting the relationship but that you are willing to compromise to make it work.”
After numerous failed conversations and three huge disputes, she came back to me hopeless. She said, “He won’t compromise. I just have to change his behavior.” I said, “Rita, good luck! He is never going to change unless he wants to or he has a reason to change. I think you’re at a crossroads. You need to make a decision on whether you want this for the rest of your life.”
How many of you are frustrated with a trait your partner has? How many times have you approached him about it? Is he willing to compromise on it?
Are you really in love?
The question lingering is, “How do I know that I really love him? What if it is lust? How will I ever tell the difference?”
At this point, I will ask them, “What parts of the him do you love the most?”
They would respond with, “I love the way he laughs. I love the way he looks at me. I love the way he treats me. He is so respectful. I love his smile. I never get bored of being next to him. I love his touch. I love the way that he touches me.” The list continues on.
Now let me ask you, when you felt similar about your exs, what makes this feeling so different? When you dated in the past, were you only into his looks? Was he a good financial provider? Did he make you feel special? Did he take you on fabulous trips?
If you felt like this in the past, then it is safe to say that you were not in love with any of your exs. Yes, you could have had a great connection with him. You could have been attracted to him physically, which was really infatuation. You felt secure with him. You knew that you never had to worry about money. He took you on trips around the world. He took you to France, Spain, and the Caribbean. He swept you off of your feet. If you experienced the feelings above, you were most likely not in love. You were just in love with his image or security.
· Falling in love is a feeling that is not based on looks. Remember they fade.
· When you are in love, you are more interested in giving. His happiness matters to you as much as your own happiness means to you.
· You don’t want to spend time away from him.
· You feel secure when you are around him.
· He makes you feel good about yourself.
· The relationship has infinite amounts of trust.
· You want him to have his own life. If he doesn’t than the relationship will get boring.
· You enjoy every sexual experience. Every time it is a new venture.
· You can picture his mother as your in-law.
· You actually invite his parents over to your house and cook for them.
· You make time for him even when your schedule is jammed packed with school work and work.
We want our first date to be a memorable one, but sometimes we have ones that are memorable, but not in a good sense.
I remember years ago that I went on a date with the man to a cute bistro in the Manhattan’s West Village. He was cute, educated, had a great body, and had a great job. After we arrived at the restaurant, I saw him sitting by the window. He looked incredible. As I sat down at the table, I recall him looking at me for a minute then turning his attention to the screaming people that were outside in the street. I thought, “Jeez, do I look terrible or something?”
A few minutes after, the waiter came to the table asking if we were interested in ordering a bottle of wine. I took Jim’s* hand and asked him if he was interested in ordering a bottle of white or red. He hesitated, looked at me, looked at the waiter, and responded, “I am not ready for this. I just broke up with Carrie* (his ex fiancée) last week. I am sorry.” Then he got up, picked up his jacket, and walked out of the restaurant. The waiter looked at me smiled and said, “Ma’am, would you like something to drink?” I looked at him and said, “No thank you. I will be leaving too.” I was mortified.
Dating can be hell.
We all have first date stories; some are funny, some are scary, while others are plain pathetic, like mine. During the actual time of the date, it is humiliating and embarrassing and your own thoughts are “How did I get myself into this mess?”
I am not an advocate of lying, but in this case, it is ok. If you are stuck in a boring or horribly dull situation, use the tool that we are forbidden to use in any other situation. Say you are not feeling well. Tell him you have a headache and that you are sensitive to light. Let him know that it was nice meeting him, but you want to go home.
Now, if he is unattractive, try to stick out the date. If he is short, fat, or bald, don’t hold it against him. Don’t be so damn shallow! Give him the benefit of the doubt. You never know, he might end up your best friend. Just give the guy a chance.
I know that dating is a hardship. Trying to find the right mate is a daunting task. High school and college sweethearts are the lucky ones. They are not the ones that have to go through dating torture, but those couples are also missing out on the fun and excitement of dating other people as well.
* This is a fictional story.
Often, I hear my female friends complain that their partners are lazy and/or bored. It’s not that their partners are lazy or bored, rather they become complacent. They think their presence is enough. And most of the time, they manage to keep you around even after you have complained for weeks that they don’t put any effort into the relationship. Why? Because you are allowing them to treat you like that.
In many cases, it’s too late to change the situation because he is already well adjusted. If this is your case, then it just might be time to reassess the relationship and move on to prevent losing anymore precious moments.
Why does this happen? After the chase is over, men realize you are there and appear content with the way things are
This is partially your fault. You need to keep your partner interested while the two of are dating. Don’t let him make assumptions that you two are doing something during the weekend. Take one night and go out with your friends. He has to change his expectations after the two of you have become a couple, no matter the length of the relationship. If you continually pick him up from the bar after a night out with the boys, do his laundry, have dinner made for him every night at 7 pm, how could you expect him not to get comfortable?
To prevent him from becoming too comfortable after any amount of dating, follow these tips:
· Keep him out of the comfort zone by making rules
· Make sure he realizes how desirable you are to other men
· Never become lazy yourself; always take care of yourself
· Don’t be at his beck and call
· Have your own friends and family life
· Be independent
· Keep your finances separate
· Socialize without him occasionally
· Change your mind occasionally
· Ensure you keep male friends you had before you started dating
· Do not run around after him
· Go on vacation with your family and friends
A relationship needs to be equal. If you allow him to get the upper hand and become too comfortable, he will take advantage.
You were chatting online. You exchanged a few emails then a few photos. Then –after two weeks of chatting online, he called you. After you spoke to him, you realized that you hit it off and were interested in meeting him. You decided to meet him in person for a cup of coffee or a cocktail. The date turned out horribly. He looked different from what you pictured. His personality was different too. As you sat through another torturous date and you impatiently await its close, you were left without anything to say. You don’t want to hurt his feelings.
This occurs very often in the online dating world. So what do you do in this situation? There is no right answer because rejecting someone is hurtful. Yet, you can make the rejection less painful by being polite and honest.
Here is a list of things that you should never do after you meet him:
Don’t say that you want to see him when you don’t.
Don’t call or email him when you have free time.
Don’t lead him on by telling him that you will call him back and never do!
Don’t agree to any dates.
Do not give mixed signals.
Here is a list of things that you can do:
Tell him that it is important that the both of you find the right partners.
Don’t let him change your mind! Be assertive!
Most importantly, think about how you would want to be treated if the situation was reverse. Would you want to be led on?
Picking a place for a first date can be a difficult task, when it should not be. If he doesn’t have time and you don’t have any clue what to do for the first date, take a look at the following list. This list will also let you focus on the more important things such as dress, conversation, and appearance.
1. You and your date could go to your favorite small restaurant, tapas bar or diner and have a cocktail or coffee drink. I know it sounds typical to go to a bar or coffee shop, but you can always use either one of those two places as a last resort. Keep this date to less than forty five minutes.
2. If you don’t want to try those places, I recommend a cozy lounge. Try someplace where the music isn’t too loud. You don’t have to stay the entire evening if you don’t want. I recommend you keep this date a maximum of an hour.
3. Art galleries are great places to visit on a first date, if and only if, he can hold a conversation based on art, literature, and/or culture. The art gives you something more to talk about then basic first date conversation.
4. I went on a first date to a comedy club. I think this is a great idea. It helps keep the atmosphere fun and light. Some comedy clubs you are able to drink and eat during the show. The only con to this date is that you won’t be able to really get to know one another unless you go for a drink somewhere after that.
5. My favorite types of first dates are sports activities. The only con is that you will not be able to talk much. But after a good tennis game, you will both work up an appetite, which in most cases would lead to appetizers and/or dinner. If you don’t want to play tennis, then try bowling. It leaves room for small talk, drinks, and food.
6. Or you can be a kid again and head to play a round or two of miniature golf. It’s a cheap and easy sport. I always recommend this for a portion of the first date.
Rather than depending solely on this list, go pick up a Zagat’s food guide or a local food guide and start to pick some places that look interesting. When your date mentions a place that you haven’t been to, at least you will have an idea what’s in store.
Will he really change for us?
Dating someone new can be fun, exciting, and adventurous, despite the inevitable ups and downs. It is when the level of excitement tapers off and finally meets complacency when we truly get to observe his habits, attitudes, opinions, and beliefs. Most of the time, there is something that we want to change about him; whether it is his hairstyle, the way he eats spinach, the way he drives the car, the way he blows his nose, or the way he ties his shoes.
Men will not change unless the change is important to them. If he does change for the sake of someone else, it is only temporary. Remember, he will always revert back to old habits if he doesn’t want to change them permanently.
I have a close female friend that has been dating this guy for four years. He has a degree in engineering and works as a pizza delivery man (He is 29 years old), which is fine when he can pay his own way, but he still lives with his father (his father pays all the bills), making no effort to better his life. However, she works in accounting and is financially stable.
She always takes him to dinner, takes him to see Broadway shows, and pays for their hotel rooms whenever they go away for the weekend. She is hardly happy.
I often hear her say, “Krissy, I love Dan, but he doesn’t want to do anything. He never has any money. He doesn’t want to get a good job. He never even wants to go anywhere, when I offer to take him out. What should I do? How can I change him?” My response was “Rita, you can’t someone unless they truly want to change. I think that you should talk to him calmly over dinner and tell him about your frustrations. Tell him that his lack of effort is really hurting the relationship but that you are willing to compromise to make it work.”
After numerous failed conversations and three huge disputes, she came back to me hopeless. She said, “He won’t compromise. I just have to change his behavior.” I said, “Rita, good luck! He is never going to change unless he wants to or he has a reason to change. I think you’re at a crossroads. You need to make a decision on whether you want this for the rest of your life.”
How many of you are frustrated with a trait your partner has? How many times have you approached him about it? Is he willing to compromise on it?
Are you really in love?
The question lingering is, “How do I know that I really love him? What if it is lust? How will I ever tell the difference?”
At this point, I will ask them, “What parts of the him do you love the most?”
They would respond with, “I love the way he laughs. I love the way he looks at me. I love the way he treats me. He is so respectful. I love his smile. I never get bored of being next to him. I love his touch. I love the way that he touches me.” The list continues on.
Now let me ask you, when you felt similar about your exs, what makes this feeling so different? When you dated in the past, were you only into his looks? Was he a good financial provider? Did he make you feel special? Did he take you on fabulous trips?
If you felt like this in the past, then it is safe to say that you were not in love with any of your exs. Yes, you could have had a great connection with him. You could have been attracted to him physically, which was really infatuation. You felt secure with him. You knew that you never had to worry about money. He took you on trips around the world. He took you to France, Spain, and the Caribbean. He swept you off of your feet. If you experienced the feelings above, you were most likely not in love. You were just in love with his image or security.
· Falling in love is a feeling that is not based on looks. Remember they fade.
· When you are in love, you are more interested in giving. His happiness matters to you as much as your own happiness means to you.
· You don’t want to spend time away from him.
· You feel secure when you are around him.
· He makes you feel good about yourself.
· The relationship has infinite amounts of trust.
· You want him to have his own life. If he doesn’t than the relationship will get boring.
· You enjoy every sexual experience. Every time it is a new venture.
· You can picture his mother as your in-law.
· You actually invite his parents over to your house and cook for them.
· You make time for him even when your schedule is jammed packed with school work and work.
Can Your Relationship Be Helped?
There are so many desperate couples that wonder if their relationship can be saved or if it is worth trying to save. Perhaps your partner is not interested in working on the relationship. Perhaps he is an alcoholic or drug addict. In these situations, what are the chances of the relationship? Well, it depends on the individuals in the relationship.
To rectify those issues, both partners are going to have to commit 100% to make the relationship functional. Remember, in most cases, it is both parties that contribute to the demise of the relationship. So try to be objective when looking at the relationship. If you decide to call it quits with this relationship and don’t rectify your own issues, you will carry those same issues into your next relationship. You need to take responsibility for your actions and feelings in the relationship. Once you do, then it is time to try to save the relationship you are in. If not, then it is time for you to work on yourself.
So, take the following actual relationship examples into consideration:
Joe* is unhappy in his relationship with Samantha*. They have been married for six years. She is often critical, judgmental, and angry towards him. Joe feels neglected because Samantha’s unloving and uncaring behavior. He often blames her for his unhappiness. He usually deals with her anger by acting nice toward her. He is afraid that she might explode on him.
However, he must realize that he is in this relationship too. He has equal control. Until Joe speaks up about his feelings, he is going to be resentful toward and distant from her. In order to rectify that issue, he needs to speak to her about his honest feelings. He needs to explain to her that he is not happy. If he is afraid of losing her, he must deal with it. There is no reason that he should be acting like a coward. If he does lose her for speaking up, then at least he would know that she was not putting in the required effort to rectify any issues that were present.
So if you and your partner are having problems and you are unaware if it is salvageable, I recommend that you look at the relationship objectively, see what is going wrong, approach those issues with your partner, rectify those issues, and try to take the relationship to the next level. If this is not possible, it might be time forget about that relationship and move on!
* Names have been changed.
